Being Black and Woman

Black Woman

An incident happened over the weekend with a large white male almost assaulting a black female. I’m really not concerned about what the altercation was about and I’m sorry if you feel I should because I honestly, am not.

I don’t think people understand how tiring it is to be young, black and female in our country. This is majority of the reason why I am not bothered by the reason of the altercation. It all just felt a little too familiar.

We have a long history of race that’s probably going to take a few generations to either erase or neutralise, if ever. There is a stigma around black people and wealth, black people in the workplace and black people in general. It take 3 times the amount of work just to be equal to your white counterpart. 3 times the effort! Just because of the colour of my skin. Any suspect in a criminal case is more likely (read always) a black person. The media will refer to a black rapist as what he is – a rapist but, they will refer to a white rapist as – “A father of 2”, “A gentleman” etc. I could go on about race, but I think we all know we have a long way to go.

Now to be a woman..

The rape stats have quadrupled over the years. Domestic violence hiked up just as much. The crimes committed over the last 10 years have been more on women then men. Boards of directors are 90% male, lets not even go down to management because the fish rots from the top. There is female representation and it is growing but clearly not enough because the scales are always tipped towards males. While males. Largely so.  Especially in fields where representation is needed most. Salaries are not equal between a white male and black male. Can you imagine how worse off a black female is? The salary scale goes down as follow;

While Male

White Female

Black Male

Black Female

So if you have to work 3 times as hard to be equal to your white counterpart, how much harder do you have to work if you’re black AND female?

There are industries women are not recognised in because they’re seen as the inferior gender. Black is seen as inferior to begin with, how deeper is the inferiority when you’re black and female?

Now to be young..

There’s a general misconception that being young comes with being reckless. Typical millennials, they say. That we don’t know enough. That in order to be really good at something, you ought to have been doing it for years. Funders will trust a 50 year old CEO over a 25 year old CEO on any given Sunday. I could go on but I’d rather not, you know what they say about us.

Now imagine what daily living is like when you’re black, when you’re female and when you’re young?

*Cues Kendrick Lamar for ambiance* – “All my life I had to fight..”

The general message being passed is that young black women aren’t smart enough, shouldn’t be recognised or rewarded enough, are vulnerable enough and should at all costs be violated. Whether physically, emotionally or financially.

So excuse me if I don’t care why the altercation took place. That woman is tired. Even if she was wrong (which she wasn’t), I’ll give her a free pass.

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Words of Affirmation 


Say it with your chest.. 

I’ve been reading up on communication because I find that I come across either, too aggressive, too emotional, too strong, too abrasive, too authoritative, too sensitive, too insensitive, too arrogant, too demanding and sometimes like a deadass bitch. 
Which I’m not, obviously. It’s just the way certain things come across. And I would not like to be perceived in a way that I am not, even though people will always have their reservations about you no matter what you put out. 

In my quest to finding the best way to communicating, I came across – The Five Love Languages. Found it thoroughly informative. No two people will receive how you communicate the same way. Especially someone you’re in a relationship with. I could wash my man’s dishes till my hands fall off, but if that’s not how he received – I love you- then he will never feel it. All the while, all he wanted was for me to, tell him that I love him. 

One love language that resonated with me was – Words of Affirmation. I don’t really care about Acts of Service – We’ll get a helper. I don’t care about Physical Touch (have you seen me?) – If you’re with me, you’re definitely trying to touch me every chance you get (haha). I don’t care about gifts, if I want something – I’ll probably tell you. I don’t care about Quality Time – That happens naturally with all relationships, No? 

I care a whole damn lot about Words of Affirmation – Tell me, so I know how you feel, better yet, so I can hold you to it. 

Struggling Faith

Hebrews 11:1,

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

This is a scripture I have based the larger portion of my life on and sadly (or not, I don’t know), my grip on this scripture, my Christian upbringing and belief system as a whole has become a feeble fight between what I know for sure, what I don’t know and a resounding continuous questioning of – Why?

The basis of my upbringing was, do good, be good and inherit the kingdom. A large part of the belief system is that, the thing in which we believe in is not seen, nor can you touch it but it exists through faith.

“Live by faith and not by sight.”

I had no issues with my faith. I was young, naïve and had a child-like faith. I had joined a church in varsity which shaped my young adult life. I joined the church band, chaired the church committee, lead the church in prayer and sometimes mentored those new to the church. The foundation was solid. One ordinary day, someone asked me what I would do if I woke up one day and realised that this religion I had chosen was a lie, the answer was simple.

“The religion encourages me to be a good person and to do good for others, if its all a lie, it wouldn’t change anything because being a good person is something I identify with. The religion also provides a sense of comfort, that there’s someone out there in this big bad world, that cares about me, wants the best for me and protects me. If I woke up one day and He wasn’t there, I would feel a little lost and unsafe.”

The older I got, the more things happened to me, painful things like – losing my mother. Who was a praying woman. Who echoed all things Christ-like. There are Christians who will tell you about all the scriptures in the bible and there are Christians who live out the religion, my mom was one of those.

Losing my grandmother, who was perfect in every sense of the word.

Family members doing the most.

Missed opportunities.

Watching friends, partners and family who also had their belief embedded in Christ going through unimaginable things.

So I went back to the basics – Do good, be good and inherit the kingdom. I’ve been doing good, I do my part (they do theirs) so.. where is the Kingdom?

Took some time to learn more about the bible. The more I probed, the more I wished I hadn’t. The bible is a compilation of books written by people at certain eras. The books in the bible are those that were “approved” because some books were rejected. Some pastors treat the bible as set-in-stone and some treat it as a guide. Why is the language not universal if the belief system is?

The more I grew, the more I asked and the more I lost my strong hold. Sadly, the more I lost – my comfort. In the truth that, there’s someone out there, in this big bad world that cares about me, wants the best for me and protects me.

A struggle with faith is not a battle I desired. I guess these are growing pains and just like accepting my mother’s death, I’ll accept these too and hopefully, find myself after God’s heart again..

Until then, the feeble fight continues..

 

Green Grass 

I watched a beautiful movie the other day – Jenny’s Wedding. Katherine Heigl is fast becoming my favourite actress by the way! Her co-star said something that resonated with me – People with green grass are happy. 

The grass could be a career, family, love life etc. but if the grass is dry and dead, it’s an immediate reflection of that area of your life. It’s impossible to be unhappy when the grass is green. It being green is a connotation of that area of your life being healthy and full of life. For the grass to be green, you have to water it and constantly take care of it. 

So take the time to water any dry area of your life because when it is green, it’s impossible to be unhappy. Take the time to appreciate loved ones, put in the hard work in your career, and fill you cup with love. 💕

I just wrote about grass, I also can’t believe it. 

Christmas 

For some odd reason, I wasn’t too festive about Christmas this year. I’m normally excited about it. I’m always the first one up, I have all my dishes planned and I have the best time with family and friends. 

This year, I think I’ve grown tired of the same Christmas tradition. It’s all I know because I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. Not necessarily what I want, but all I know.

We go to church, we cook, we eat, we drink and we laugh. Year in, year out. 

I think this year, being so aware of myself (if that makes any sense), I’ve come to realize that I want my own traditions. I don’t like going to the family church, it’s not my church, so maybe I’ll go to a carol service next year. I don’t like cooking for the whole of Africa, so maybe I’ll develop my own Christmas dish. I don’t like the fact that everyone feels compelled to come to the family home, so maybe I’ll invite a few cousins who actually want to spend the time with me. 

I like the idea of a Christmas tree and presents, we’ve never done that. I don’t even know its significance but, I like it, so maybe I’ll adopt it. 

More than anything, I think I just really want, my own family. 

With all that said, it’s been another great year, with some great people. 

Till next year, or not. 

Are You Sure? 

I tried deleting an app the other day and in return, I got the deepest question of life. 

Are you sure? 

I mean, is anyone ever sure of anything? 

Either I have deep unresolved feelings towards certainty or I just didn’t want to delete my Twitter account. 

Self Preservation 

I’ve decided to take the time out for me. It’s been a long 2016, so much has happened. Too many highs and lows that have left me rather exhausted so I’ve decided to take time out to reflect. 
We spend all our time looking for some kind of fulfillment. Be it in food, in friends, in lovers or careers. We invest all our enegies into these things and never take the time to refill our cups. So we walk around empty, hoping to find the next best thing to fulfill us. 

I’m empty. All emptied out. And this is a good thing. This is a great thing because life has somehow forced me to take the time to fill my cup. I’ve always loved writing and reading, so I’m gonna do that. I want a banging body (I have one, but it could be better) so I’m gonna focus on eating healthy and working out. I’m crazy about music, so I’m gonna write, sing and buy a guitar. I want to travel, so I’m going to a foreign country, alone. 

I need to take this time. To complete me. To fill my cup. So that I don’t need another human, or materialistic thing to do that for me. So that I can be enough, for me. 

🙂